


Waves

by Mistyshadows



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, I Don't Even Know, Oops, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, i just want to build something that's gonna outlive me, i'm depressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-08-09 15:19:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16452413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistyshadows/pseuds/Mistyshadows
Summary: Don't let me drown.





	1. Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, I bet y'all thought you'd heard the last from me! Things have been hard lately, especially dealing with a terminally ill parent and personally having mental illness. School, work, and an internship have only added onto the complications, but I can't quit any of them. So I write to deal.
> 
> This is a collection of thoughts. There are multiple references to suicide and suicidal thoughts. I'm mentally ill; I have depression, anxiety, and bipolar I. I'm seeking treatment, and this is one of my healthier coping methods. If this makes you feel less alone, I guess I've done my job, and I hope this helps someone. However, if you're in a bad place, please please please call a friend, someone you trust, or the Hotline. I don't want this to make you any worse. And, as always, if you need to talk, my email is moonkit26@gmail.com.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 

Drowning.

I can't breathe and I'm suffocating.

Nights are the hardest.

I'm just so

Alone.

 

Everyone asks how I am.

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

Nothing new.

Nothing different.

I'm doing alright.

But that was all a lie.

 

I shouldn't be ungrateful.

They tell me I'm a brat,

That I'm sad because I only want more.

All I really want is to be loved.

Guilt, guiltless, guilty.

 

Why are you like this?

I don't know.

Why can't you get better?

I don't know.

Why are you so sad all the time?

I don't know.

 

Want to hang out?

No, I don't feel well.

You said that last week.

I'm sorry.

Do you not want to see me?

No, that's not it. I'm just tired.

You're always tired.

I know.

 

Things are different now.

I'm not afraid.

I don't feel anything.

Nothing.

Its bliss.

And hell.

 

Is it possible to feel both nothing and everything at once?

 

You should be happy, there's nothing wrong with you.

I should.

You should get good grades, just focus.

I should.

You should join a sport, you need the exercise.

I should.

You should come over, I haven't seen you in weeks.

I should.

You should kill yourself, the world doesn't need you.

I should.

 

The pain comes in waves

Like the ocean.

It almost soothes me to think of it that way.

I may be drowning now, but if I can bear the pain,

One day I might just

Breathe again.

 

If I was dead,

My dog would look for me.

My friends would see my empty seat.

My room would never change.

My family would have a gap.

My writing would tell my story.

 

Mistakes were made, and lives were changed.

He thought his life meant nothing.

His life meant more than he could ever realize.

I wish he had known.

I wish he had known what his death caused.

What it did to his family.

What it did to his friends.

The community.

 

I write to tell my story.

I don't know who will read it.

I don't know how or who it will affect.

I write to feel something.

I write to understand.

I write to explain.

 

I don't want to lose anyone else.

The world lost his grace.

The world lost her spirit.

I can't remember the sound of his voice,

And that burns my heart.

I can't remember.


	2. Burn

Things have never been easy.

Not when I was little.

Not when I didn't understand.

Not now.

My heart hurts with every beat.

Every breath is a struggle.

 

When I had my surgery,

They said I wouldn't feel a thing.

They stuck a needle in my vein that felt like fire,

And their words burned inside my head.

No pain.

Just sleep.

 

Every so often I dream of them.

Of those who I lost.

His bright smile,

Her kind eyes.

They didn't have to go,

But this world was too dark for their light.

Sometimes I wonder

How quick it could extinguish mine.

 

My father's words had never been kind.

I learned from an early age to avoid,

To make myself smaller,

To tread lightly.

Now that I'm older,

A deep rage burns within me.

And my fire will not be put out so easily.

 

I used to wonder how different life could have been,

Had my father been kind.

Now I see the truth.

His anger hardened me,

And now I'm stone.

 

I was part of two.

Two girls, sharing one soul

In two bodies.

She became one with me,

And we became one once more.

Sometimes I know she's me.

But I'm not her.

 

I'll never be the fire that burns bright enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had someone I know irl ask what it meant, when I talked about how there were two of us and we became one, so I'm gonna share.
> 
> I was supposed to have a twin. She died before we were born, and basically reabsorbed into me. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching through a window in my own body, and I sort of think that's her, you know?
> 
> Anyway, yeah. I wish she could have lived. I never really met her, but I love her all the same.


	3. Hope

He fell ill this year,

My father did.

His sickness will not only destroy his body,

Its destroyed his mind,

And it will kill him.

I feel no remorse.

 

I should feel something for him,

He's my father after all,

But I feel nothing but relieved.

Its going to be over soon.

 

His words were like whips against my skin,

Leaving scars only I could see.

I never understood why his eyes would

Change

Just like that.

 

His words could be kind too,

But only after the storm,

After his rage was finished giving me its all.

Promises.

Lies.

Hate.

 

When he told us he was dying,

I had to stop myself from laughing.

Finally

His words could no longer hurt me.

He doesn't have the strength.

Pity.

 

For so long, I wondered what was wrong with me.

Why?

Why didn't he love me?

Why did he say things that

Burned me

Drowned me

Without a moment's hesitation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really short, I know XwX sorryyy


	4. Lost

I was lost until you found me.

I was alone until I had you by my side.

I was afraid without you.

And now you're gone again.

 

He said he wouldn't leave.

He promised he loved me.

He was everything to me.

He lied to me.

 

Love is a double edged knife

And he cut me with it.

If he bleeds,

I'll still patch him up.

I'd rip my shirt to bandage him.

 

Do you still love me?

Silence.

Do you?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I don't know. I'm confused.

You didn't seem so confused when you used to tell me.

Silence.

What changed?

I don't know.

 

I gave you everything.

You promised me.

You.

You lied.

 

I don't know what to do without you.

 

He helped me through the worst yet,

Yet he left when the darkness returned.

Was he scared?

Why does it hurt so bad?

 

Why?


	5. Rebound

I'm finally over you.

It took a long time

But I finally feel

Whole,

New

Again.

 

I needed him to heal me.

To bring an end to the heartache.

It broke me to realize I didn't love him,

Not like I had loved you,

But at least there was one truth:

I no longer love you.

 

He made me happy again,

Just not with him.

He made me smile again,

But not for long.

He wasn't you.

But I no longer needed you.

 

Things were hard for a few months there.

I cried myself to sleep some nights.

Other nights, I stayed up

Just reading our old texts.

I wasn't letting go,

I know that now.

 

I wish certain places didn't make me sick;

That I could go to the park where it all started,

Drive past your road without knowing,

Have someone ask about what went wrong with us.

 

I deleted our texts

Our pictures

Our memories.

I burned your letters

The prom poster you made me.

I kept the key.

I can't let that go yet.

 

I don't want to be hurt again.

 


End file.
